A letter to cease

My Dearest John,

I am sorry that I have to do this in a letter. Poor form I know, but I have thought long and hard and have come to the conclusion that we are no longer compatible. I know it is terribly cliche to leave you a “Dear John” letter, but I just cannot bear a face to face with you. It’s almost as though you can see into my soul with unwavering eyes.

I have somewhat outlined why this is no longer working.  I hate leaving things unresolved and feel as though you deserve a reason for this abrupt change of heart.

The first issue that I have is your diet. I find it quite unappealing and as one that loves to cook, I feel that I will never be able to satisfy your peculiar cravings. That and whenever you dine on a large meal, I feel that you leave the leftovers wherever you please, leaving my daughter and I to clean up after your mess. Otherwise, we are simply expected to tolerate the unsightly bulges left within your personal spaces. Speaking of personal space, that brings me to my next complaint.

When I wake up, hazy from the depths of sleep, in the middle of the night and see you fussing in the corner of the room…your shadow, a dusky coral hue caused by the soft glow of the Himalayan salt light, being cast across the walls like some ancient Cephalopod from a Greek mythology… I get a little ‘bugged’ out. I know none of us are perfect, and I accept the shape that you have, truly. I also understand the struggles of being unable to sleep at night, having suffered from insomnia myself. Please understand, however, my heart cannot take the shock night after night.

Also, the lack of communication is getting to me slightly. Although, I do take my share of the blame as I tend to be attracted to the strong, silent, bad ass type and that was part of our initial understanding. However, when I voice my issues, I feel as though you just stare at me and rub your hands together. I’m beginning to wonder if you are absorbing what I am saying to you.. or if you are plotting against me! I am hoping that after all this time living together, you wouldn’t be that devious but how can I know for sure? Although you never say anything negative to me, I feel that things may have changed for you, also, as you never give me any signs of positive feelings either.

 All of the aforementioned infractions are relatively minor and I could let it go due to the fact that I abhor bugs and you are always willing to take care of any infestations that we may encounter. I also want to make sure that you know I appreciate your help in the garden and the fact that you never interrupt while I am speaking. You also always allow me to choose the movie or radio station that we listen to. Also, I recognize that you have brought me luck in the past and you never intentionally meant to hurt me.

BUT…

I find it quite disconcerting that you have been surreptitiously hiding in the bathroom when I shower. There is a time and a place and my shower or bathroom time is sacred. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that you have grossly violated my privacy like that. To top it off.. I have also found some of your “friends” invading my personal space as well, with no repercussions from you! There are limits, John. Boundaries that must not be crossed. Lines, that once toed, cannot be undone. This is why I can no longer tolerate this relationship. The web of lies is just too much.

I’m sorry, John. We are over. I need you and all 674 of your family members to pack up and leave. You have caused far too much distress and I cannot take living in a silent, uncommunicative and quite frankly, disturbing relationship.

I wish you no harm and I truly apologize for all those times I misunderstood the intentions of one of your brethren and flushed them.

This was something I found in the vault. I know many of you have heard the story about me falling out of the shower? This was about the time that I decided to end our engagement. I feel I made the right decision.

Warmest Regards,

CR