“What are your parameters? I have no rules. “

Have you ever dreamed of something for so long, that it actually became intangible? Something so unattainable that it was like a top shelf tchotchke that gains value just because it’s been in your family for so long? Something you’ve convinced yourself for years, was not meant for you because you’re not good enough? Just like that, there’s no rules.

I process things very slowly. My first response to everything is either humor or sarcasm. Sometimes both. When I’m asked to place boundaries in a new situation, I tend to go quiet and lay out everything in my mind. I place it all neatly, in rows that are in perfect conformity. I gaze at it waiting for it to unravel the mystery of the confusion. Why is it now presenting itself? How long has it been different? Why are there no rules? What changed?

What is the art of friendship when it’s been a one way river of emotions continuously flowing in the opposite direction of the boat that you so ardently have tried to ensnare?! An outpouring of confessions, very thinly veiled, on the ears of caverns you flow through? How has the wind changed so abruptly that it confuses even the tides that have ebbed and flowed since before the dawn of earths breath?

I have no rules. That small smirk, those eyes I’ve looked into a million times before. The one that was the one far before I could even admit it. How do I set healthy boundaries? A stroke of the hair. How do I build enough walls in which I know my fragile heart will be protected? The small intimate caresses. How can I manage being just friends? Without making it awkward? The slow handhold. How do I stop?! A simple touch on my ear. I’m lost.

What are my rules? My heart whispers, “There is always an exception to the rules.” What are my boundaries?! My brain says, “There have only ever been blurred lines.” What parameters should I set? My soul just smiles, “There are no parameters that will ever hold up.” Every inch of my skin is screaming for the contact of yours. I cannot trust any part of my body to make a good decision. I’ve always been lost.

Any choice I make will leave heartache. I don’t have faith that this could be an epic kind of love because I have lost all hope that love truly exists. I misread intentions and forsake sensibility when it comes to you. How do I know the truth?

THERE ARE NO RULES,

CR