Boundaries have been set, ground rules laid, terms achieved.

Yet, I’m confused. What is the point for the guy (who is willing to take the end game off the table) just to cuddle? Is it a feeling induced decision? A hope that it will be placed back on the table? Is it the need for the serotonin? Is it just the enjoyment of the cuddle?

I am like a fiend. I need more. I set boundaries for myself because I lack the control to say no. I need the intimacy that goes along with sex. Sex (aggressive or not) leaves me wild, like a caged thing finally released into a new found freedom. Frantic.

Intense intimacy calms me down, humble me, domesticates me, allows me to be submissive. That feeling of a deeper connection. Eye contact, kissing, small caresses. That feeling of skin on skin and the butterflies. The small bumps that raise along your flesh with every small brush of his fingers. The scent of the man. The strength when he pulls you into his lap and cradles you, like you’re some small, fragile, little thing that he is afraid may break. The hair tucks. I want it all. So… I set restrictions, lest my emotionally malnourished brain romanticizes what is probably less than nothing in his perspective.

Yet, here I am. Talking to you. Allowing you into the deep and dark recesses of my heart and soul. Hopeful that my secrets are safe and secure with YOU, because I can never tell him these inner thoughts. I cannot share with him, what I truly desire. I cannot jeopardize the integrity of our friendship. So, I come to terms with what I can accept and state my parameters. He agreed. No amending. The game of emotional chess has begun. He will never realize that I’m the Queen that protects her King. All the odds are already stacked against me.

Blindly playing on, yet remaining humbly yours,

CR