When your rational thoughts are assembling the puzzle, but your emotions are the Judas who is fucking with all the pieces.

It’s 4 am. My body lies still in bed, in a state of repose. Yet, my brain is going a million miles an hour. Like a steam engine that has been fully fueled and given free reign on the track. There is no emergency brake to pull, no slowing down; once that gait is steady- it begins slowly building acceleration. I give in, knowing it’s going to run its course with or without my consent.

My rational brain is working through making an impossible puzzle. The pieces all look the same and the picture is solid black. My mind frantically tries to build the image, connecting the jagged little shapes together; which seemingly fit only to to come to the stark realization (with copious amounts of frustration) that they are, in fact, not perfectly matched. Yet, here my mind is. Doing due diligence. Getting the bigger picture put together one iota at a time.

Enter emotions. They are the Judas of my soul. The picture forms into what is not a favorable outcome, however, the brain will accept the inevitable. But emotion stealthily snatches a black edge and with a red sharpie draws an image of its own; hastily throwing it back into the obscure pile. Emotion is trying to put its own spin on the bleak narrative. It’s hope. And it’s a lie.

At some point both my heart and my head will accept what that final fate is. With understanding and healing. It will have no choice but to be united and move on to different pastures. However, while this war rages it is literally putting micro tears into the fabric of my very essence. A million little wounds that will need to be plastered and painted. Tears that will always be visible, even once repaired. They will be the emotional scars of years of friendship. Always etched into my skin, as a reminder of why I can’t let myself free fall into that cavern ever again.

Bruised and bleeding but my willpower is still sticking, forever yours

CR