When you need to digest a frenzy and choke down some hard truths.

Fourteen years of the same ride. The thrill at the crest… elation.. that high. Then the fear of the descent, knowing that your brain is going to rattle, that building anticipation of a potential aneurysm, wondering if your cage is going to snap and send you reeling into a weightless death. Yet, you can’t seem to get off. You have a full understanding that the engineer knows exactly what he is evoking in you. He gets a certain pleasure from the power that he alone wields. You want to throw up, yet you can’t control yourself from climbing willingly into that seat again.

No one ever told you this secret before, but I will. Deep love is Deaths dancing partner. It’s a tango that slowly brings you to the point of breaking. The greatness, confidence, insecurities, confusion.. It’s all the same. Death will waltz with your heart, tricking it into a false sense of security and before you’re even aware, it has left you cold and lifeless. It’s that burning desire to immerse yourself into boiling water and hold your head under and just scream. Scream until your throat burns, scream until the silence engulfs you and there is nothing left but liquid in your lungs. Deep love is only truly meant for the heartless. Those with the slow burn, willing to die attitude. Those who enjoy the pain. Those who have nothing left to lose.

The funny part is, the ending is always the same. I want in (with no expectations), I want to preserve the integrity of our friendship (with all the benefits of your adoration), we mustn’t make this awkward, (why put in any work if you’re willing to do it all for me), I don’t want to give you mixed signals (but I will take every piece of your soul). Scott free they are able to saunter off under the guise of being honest with you. Knowing how this was bound to end. Knowing that the blindsiding will be placed on the party that already harbors the guilt. Knowing that it was already broken to begin with.

How does one go about purging these tumultuous feelings of regret? Not regret for the actions done against them, but regret from not having the power to stop the ride sooner? How does one not take accountability for their own part? No one was coerced, or forced or made to act in any particular way. Instead it was the hope for the outcome to finally be different. The yearning that the pieces that are so ill-fitted would finally settle into place. The waiting with bated breath to see if they would come around and see the specialness in you, that you’ve long projected onto them. It’s about someone noticing your worth and giving back the same energy and vibration that you’ve been giving. In the end, you’ve been awakened to just how foolish you’ve been.

The sad part about the awakening is, you can never return to the happy ignorance. You have stepped into the cold shadow of understanding, watching in horror as you see the sun shining brightly on the poor fool who fills themselves up with the idea of true love. You see them smolder and burn, slowly shriveling before your eyes as they blindly try and scoop the hot rays closer to their flammable dreams. And you sit in the cold, desperately wanting that warmth, desperately yearning to smell like the sun one more time, and you shiver because you know you’ve been exiled from that place. Awareness has given you the flags that are drenched red with your blood, which you clutch tightly to your breast. Knowing that there is nothing left but to build a wall to block out the sight.

Lucky for you, Death is right there, dancing the stones into your limp hands. Helping you close yourself in, whispering that your beautiful and admitting that it’s only words uttered to help you complete the real task.

Forever yours, yet never yours,

CR