A comprehensive guide to not being a dick with your dick. Take a few lessons from a lesbian and humble your damn self.

When you envision your manhood conquering hordes of big busted women and bringing great honor to their families for being taken by such a wily stallion.. while spearheading the virtues of virgins globally… you should probably know what you’re doing.

I am very confused as to why the new wave of men feel like they are the masters of the bedsheets all because they are pornography connoisseurs. I am a firm believer in being “hands on” and taking direction. Which, yes, is a difficult concept for men to grasp. They want to dive in as if us women are already the ocean. No sir. We are the beach. You need to walk us to that water. And even then, you’re not guaranteed waves.

I am going to start lobbying for men to hire lesbians as a new age training requirement before handling a woman for the first time. They will teach you to not aggressively rub the rosebud like you are trying to remove a temporary tattoo. Just moving your entire face in a circle is not as stimulating as you think while you are “diving” … in fact, it’s just a sloppy, wet mess of what-the-actual-fuck are you doing down there?!? Don’t pinch the nipples without expressed consent. Don’t expect the same reactions from what you see in your movies, they are actors. They are acting. I am NOT an actress and I cannot pretend well enough to convince you. Trust me.

Now, I do support the desire to learn and grow. What I don’t support is the look that I receive when I gently correct or just overall wonder (albeit sometimes out loud) what you are aiming to achieve. I love to be manhandled and don’t get me wrong, aggressive is a turn on for some women, but if you are still almost accidentally putting it in the wrong hole, getting soft in the middle of trying to find the correct entrance or just take 3 minutes to get it in… yeah. Go back and take some more lessons. Or even better, allow me to teach you about my body and what I like. Allow me to let you explore the fact that you don’t know what I like, but I do. Allow me to let you explore with an inquisitive and authentic desire to learn my body and not feel offended because your cocksure and failing and refuse to take direction. And in return, I will explore you and learn your body and what you enjoy.

Eternally thankful that I can help a brotha out,

This is just a random rant and not really aimed at any particular partner, however, if it resonates with you; if it makes you feel like this is direct attack… welp.. take the bait and seek help.

CR