What in the actual foot eating, bbq an ear, cluster fuck of finger licking goodness is going on in this world?!?

So I was having a completely random conversation with my daughter, as per the norm with us… And there was a particular subject we touched upon that really piqued my creative juices.. It was how it is actually legal to eat your own body parts. Yep… you heard that right. Jesus has been promoting that for ever now, eat of my body and all that jazz. However, I believe that he was implying it in a figurative manner and not literally, because I didn’t see any of the apostles with chunks of the lord and savior stuck in their teeth during the last supper. There are some mofo’s out there taking scripture and turning it into a seven course meal! Put on your bib little lovey because this is a lip smacking, toe-frying truth!

So here’s the skinny. The only state that has a law in place condemning cannibalism (low and behold) is Idaho! Literally, the ideal state to serve the perfect side dish for some human thigh! Who doesn’t like some meat and potatoes?! Welp, sorry to disappoint but it won’t be in Idaho because it is the only state that has a ban on ingesting human flesh -punishable by law! Is it worth the jail time when you can visit 49 other states to satiate your cravings?!?

Here’s the caveat, however. Obtaining said flesh is where they will get you! There is probably some black market special in aisle 7 you could potentially find, but the laws against hunting humans (aka muuuuurder), desecrating a corpse (unless you have an “in” with a mortician and a closed casket funeral), and buying and selling human flesh are all a big no-no. So you may wonder, how does one appease the cannibal inside, since the laws make it extremely difficult to scratch that particular itch?!

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. July 10, 2016… A man (who wishes to remain anonymous) who goes by the pseudonym, “IncrediblyShinyShart”.. A motorcycle accident… An un-salvageable limb.. Our story starts here.

Upon learning that he had to have his foot amputated, he asked if he could take his limb home. It belonged to him after all and many religions require that your body be buried whole, so not an unusual request for doctors.. After a shit ton of paperwork, he merrily went on his way, thinking of all the possibilities… taxidermic foot bookend?.. freeze-dried foot lamp… a plaster casted doorstop?! Then it hit him… taco Toesday! (That was my own clever insert, no credit shall be give to Mr. Shiny!) So, anyway, home he went to invite his 10 closest friends and girlfriend to a dinner party! The loophole here, being, he was alive, it was his body part, and everything was consensual! Below you will find the recipe he used for his foot fajita! It was all ethical so hey, you do you Mr. Shiny! Thankfully, he had a friend who was a chef and willing to marinate the meat overnight and prepare a fine meal to be served to all the willing guests. You should definitely look up his interview because the jokes are wildly entertaining and I really prefer to not plagiarize his article! However, I did need to theif his recipe!

Human Shin Fajitas
Ingredients:
3 oz. human calf muscle
1 cup julienne onions
⅓ cup red bell peppers
2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 lime
1 bunch of cilantro
Salt and pepper to taste

• Thinly slice 3 oz calf muscle and
  season with salt and pepper.
• Slice 1/2 cup each of julienne onions and red bell peppers.
• Heat 1-2 tbsp vegetable oil in a saute pan and saute onion until it begins to develop some color.
• Add red peppers and saute them soft.
• Season vegetable mix with salt and pepper.
  
• Move vegetable mix to side of pan and quickly sear the seasoned meat.
• When it is cooked through, squeeze half a lime over the mix, stir it all
  together, and adjust the seasoning.
• Serve on warm flour tortillas.
• Garnish with cilantro and enjoy
  with a salsa of your choosing.

I hope you have learned something from all of this… If you are going to do something odd, do it ethically. Don’t “trick” your friends into eating you and remember, you can be inside almost anyone! Be it their hearts, their minds or just their guts… but it may cost you an arm and a leg! Now go out and conquer the world! Eventually, I’ll get back to my cynicism of relationships, but I hope you have enjoyed the break! 🤣😂

May your gut health not be Sandy,

The CR