Accolades for surviving another day without eating your offspring!

It is so fun to watch all the Mother’s Day post pop up on my social media. All the pictures of the perfect families, smiling children, glowing moms and of course the occasional bemused dad should he be unlucky enough to have to endure the multitude of pictures to get the “best” one. The congrats on being the mom AND dad for those single ladies. The posts the kids make saying how wonderful, thankful and blessed they are that their mom is THEIR mom. And those who post about how thankful we are that WE were blessed and chosen by our perfect child(ren) for making us moms. I love it, I truly do. However, most of that is curated for social media. I want to thank the moms that are the real MVP’s.

It’s so easy to sit back and compare ourselves and our parenting with those perfect families and perfect posts. Especially if you are a single parent. I never brought my kid to Disney let alone to a different country. Let me explain…

My daughter was left out of a group planned Hawaii trip that the (a specific sport I would prefer to keep anonymous) moms all planned, because we were not well to do. Shunned like the non-believers of Candy mountain because I was a lower to middle class, restaurant working, unwed, purple-haired without a name brand outfit, bag or shoes kinda people. I was lesser. My daughter paid the price of exclusion. Not just the trips but the sleepovers and birthday parties as well. Anyhow. Let’s move on, shall we?

I watched those pictures come across my Facebook -enviously and my daughter showed me the snaps the girls were sending her and my heart was crushed for her. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her. I just didn’t amount to the caliber of those moms, even though I worked my ass off balancing 45 hours a week with multiple jobs, her schedule, cooking, and cleaning our small apartment. I was still found wanting. This wonderful little girl was being punished because I wasn’t the perfect mom.

Come to find out, of course, the moms were drunk the entire trip, husbands and fathers disinterested and the kids; unattended, ran amuck. My daughter came and told me the hidden truth… her friends all hated their parents. They don’t enjoy spending quality time with them. They don’t open up and tell their moms the “tea”. They vape in the bathroom and sneak white claws from the game room fridge. They are 14. However, the pictures told a completely different story!

Now.. mind you, I don’t know the behind the scenes to those perfectly curated fairytales. Those elusive moms that can afford to buy their kids the highest end phones and shoes and whatnot. That can go on lavish vacations and have homes with 12 foot ceilings and all white living rooms. Those moms that host soirées around their all gold decorated, 10 foot Christmas trees. The moms that feel it is their entitlement that makes it okay to leave out three kids from the team because their lifestyle is different. Who don’t need to work because the universe deemed them worthy enough to marry hard working (most assuredly -secretly having an affair with the secretary) type of man. Sigh. The khaki moms, if you will.

What I can tell you is I have been the mom that has failed. I have been the mom that has questioned what in the actual fuck I was doing, raising another person. Disheveled, unkempt at times -how could I possibly keep another human alive when I can barely keep control of myself?! I have been the mom that has taken a shower and sat on the floor of the tub and cried my eyes out until the steaming hot water has turned cold. I am the mom that has gotten out of bed and rushed -teeth not brushed, hair in a wild, unbridled bun to get my kid to the bus on time. I am the mom that has fed my kid dollar store food when I couldn’t afford anything better, who has worn hole filled, no elastic left, loose underwear so that my daughter could take a music lesson. I have raged at my kid undeserving and gone to bed guilt stricken because she had no understanding that it was the pressure of life, not her that caused me to freak out. I have sworn at my kid and I have said things that can never be taken back, just apologized for. I have spanked my kid. I have shed more tears into my pillow because I fully believed that I was doing a terrible job and I had no right being a mother.

It took me a bit to come to the realization, that I was just like the majority of the population. Not only was I not an elitist (and I’m not placing everyone that has had a better job, nicer house and easier situation than I have in that category… just the ones that deserve that title) but I had to give myself credit for getting up every day and facing life. Sometimes my child was a handful and I had to make tough decisions. Sometimes my decision was right and sometimes (after the fact, of course) I realized that I could have made a better choice. A calmer choice. However, no matter what, I always sacrificed for my child. Maybe it wasn’t gourmet food but my child had breakfast, a packed lunch and a mostly hot dinner on the table every night. She had more “play” clothes than nice clothes and most were hand-me-downs, but her clothes were always clean. She was always dressed and she was allowed to play outside and get dirty because the clothes didn’t matter that much. She was bathed and her hair was always done in as cute of a style as I could manage.

I may not have given my child lavish vacations but what I did give her was my time. We went on day trips and cheap hotel -overnight stays. We played board games and loser had to do a chore. We had a show we watched at the end of the night before bed. We had quality time -be it gardening or just dancing around the house. We did the park and playdates. We are connected, bonded and we share everything. We did it all without the glamour. Just two people figuring out life when there is no handbook to guide you.

I also want to acknowledge those moms who have done everything as close to right but have had children who are predisposed to being a handful. Those moms who fight for their kids every single day. The ones who try to keep them on the right path even though the child refuses to make life easy. The parents who make the decisions that I could never even fathom needing to make. The ones that make them feel like horrible mothers but at the end of the day it needs to be made. Who bring their kids to school and battle the consequences when the kid doesn’t want to go. The ones that try so desperately to make their kids stay on their meds, be responsible, stay out of jail and off drugs. You deserve a whole other blog, to be honest. You are the true moms. It’s a lot easier to be in the role when the child(ren) you are raising are actually more receptive to being good little humans.

I just wanted to acknowledge you moms who tread more darkness for your kids, than light. Who feel that you are not adequate enough, who want to give up but never do, who feel like the decisions you’ve made are crashing down on you… you are enough, you are doing great, you are paving the way and you are seen. You are NOT alone. You keep doing you because there is no wrong way it is just sometimes your lot to have to do it the hard way. It gets better. Easier. You WILL be okay. Sometimes you can’t do it all, but what you are doing IS enough.

Love and support because sometimes you are given a circus instead of a tribe,

CR