“Romantic rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. Being romantically rejected can be a familiar feeling that mirrors one’s childhood, leading that person to seek out more of the same. We become obsessed with certain people because we have fundamental neural systems that drive us into a state of infatuation, and these can be overactivated at times in our lives when we are vulnerable to the romantic potential of a person who matches our subconscious template of a desirable mate.” -Per the Word of Google; ever omniscience without actually being God.

ob·ses·sion

/əbˈseSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.”she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession”
   • an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind. “he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist”
   • a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.
   • The Latin root is obsessus, or “besieged,” and when you’re obsessed, your mind has been besieged by uncontrollable thoughts of something.

Why do we crave that one person that is unattainable? The love that is like a violent storm that leaves nothing but destruction in its wake? It’s not a soft love, it’s the ocean in thrall. It’s the eventual eruption of a volcano that has been dormant for hundreds of years, the pressure just building up, hot and explosive and wildly dangerous. It’s knowing that the outcome will never end well but chasing it anyway. It’s the ultimate self-destruction. It’s holding your breath until you pass out; only to come to, with the stark realization that your body will go into autopilot before allowing you to ever sink into the darkness; so still and quiet that the heartache cannot follow. You must learn to live within the rejection in order to overcome it.

I have loved deeply, the kind of dirty love that has sparked the beasts of beasts within me. The kind of love that had me wild. I have felt intense jealousy, possessiveness and have lost myself amidst the tumultuous tidal waves of feelings, the ups and downs. The need to devour my partner, much like Cronus with his offspring, so afraid of being overtaken that I would rather swallow him whole. That love however, was (more or less) returned. Which is why, although, technically it was obsession, it was not quite.

Only recently have my eyes been opened to my obsessive nature. Yes, I have OCD. Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, I never thought it could transfer over into feelings. There is a lot of science behind obsessive behaviors. A lot of it is trauma based and is considered an emotional disorder. Some claim that it is a chemical difference in the brain that is directly linked to DNA and can be inherited. Some believe that it is an evil spirit that has taken possession. I have come to understand that my obsession is rooted in fear because if it was infatuation, it would be rooted in love.

Let me explain.. Actually, first let me preface, I am not a psychologist and cannot diagnose or treat any of you other crazy, obsessive, lovelies. I can only encourage you and console you. We have all toed the line, so you’re not the only person in the world that has tried to burn a certain someone’s house down with all the love letters they wrote you, that you had saved. (Oh shit…wait… that was me…) Side note: don’t do that. Ever.

Back to the discussion at hand. I have been struggling with feelings. Feelings that I associated with being in love. Projecting my emotions unwillingly and unwanted on the object of my desire. And it got bad. I have word vomited, tried to be interested in all their interests and hobbies, changed my appearance, changed the way I communicate, altered my taste in both music and movie preferences, used manipulation tactics (Will I really hurt myself, this time? Do you realize I am capable? Are you worried about me? I have a history with this right here, but that’s another story), expressed jealousy about them giving their time and attention to other friends, I used their own actions/words against them, given them thoughtful, personal gifts (talk about a complete, and complex, mind-fuck), isolated them, repeatedly blocked them and called, texted and snapped far more than I would with any other friend. FAR. MORE.

It was all because I was afraid. It was not done from wanting that person to have what is best for them (that’s a bit of a lie, I still only want the best for them, always). I was not respectful of the boundaries that were so cautiously placed to preserve our friendship. I was unleashing my crazy without listening to the warnings I was being given. I was obsessed. If it was only infatuation, I would never have crossed the line from respect to bat-shit, Nightmare inducing, psychotic behaviors. Infatuation would’ve passed before… and honestly, AFTER the ultimate damage was DONE. I was afraid of the rejection and what it would say about me. I truly believe I’m in love.

It doesn’t make me evil. It makes me human and somewhat emotionally incompetent. It comes down to taking the time to really understand that if this person was a true prospect, they would’ve shown me. They would’ve told me, chased me, and most of all cared, even a little. All signs pointed left and here I was careening, carelessly and haphazardly right. Out of control. Truthfully, the hurt I endured was of my own doing. It’s my fault because I convoluted my own narrative. I convinced myself. I purposely shunned the truth to protect my lies. I am self-destructive. The good news? I can be helped.

Does any of this resonate with you? Have you felt the desolation of rejection? Unloved, unseen, the feeling of being unworthy? It is a lie. You ARE loved, seen and WORTHY. The obsession is not. You need to kick that right in the balls and walk away knowing you are whole and love able and when the time is right, that perfect person will be there to make sure you KNOW all of that to be the truth. They will never make you, “crazy” because they will fold you into their protectiveness and love you softly.

Always working on personal growth -publicly; in hopes that it helps someone else who feels like they are trying to learn how to breathe under water.

Yours in knowing who is worth drowning for,

CR