When he says interesting dress, he means interesting dress. Could you imagine a man just being honest and candid? Taking all the guesswork out of mind reading and over analyzing? Having a complete understanding of what he means without the gaslighting and manipulation tactics. By…*Gasp*… being honest?

Maybe I am just holding onto the thought that there is a man out there who is STILL a MAN? Not a small man, a grown, boy-child, a man attempting to be connected to his feminine energy or putting on airs in hopes that someone will be okay with the video games and pot smoking- lack of ambition to make more than minimum wage, #basic and in “transition”, kinda guy… Or am I just pretentious?

Why can I not get out of my own way? I seem to have a knack for cock blocking all my female wiles that might lead to me actually attracting a full man. Instead of someone who needs me to fix them, teach them, coddle them… I have never been able to simply date. For those in the back -Dating: The chance to shop around and try people on, see what fits, check the sales and return what looked good in the store but really should be donated. I always jump right in and end up stuck.

With my Mr. B. I would be able to settle more comfortably into my own psychosis and stop reacting so strongly. He would just be honest and call me out on my crazy with calm and understanding. He would define the actions that; most likely, I am overthinking and put my mind at ease. It should not always be a cryptogram. I should not need to fine sift through the lies to discover the truth. I create enough of my own insecurities without the added help, thank you, Sir.

To the man who I feel is my Mr. Big… I have come to realize you’re not. Because with you there is too much confusion. Feelings of emptiness and wanting more. Too much is left up to interpretation -even with the chemistry that is undeniable. We never quite come full circle but instead bounce timelines and it leaves me wondering if I, myself, am crazy and imagining things or simply living in a space where I know that there are other storylines happening just not in THIS moment. Does he feel the same? When I am not speaking to him am I an intrusive thought? Do I invade his energy while he is alone or is that something I just manifest for my self? Isn’t love grand?!

And yes, I know, I could make the decision to not entertain the ideas of what he might be (or what I’m projecting on him) and look at the truth straight on. However, how much harder is it to set boundaries and stay true to my worth? To not expect someone that I know is not ready to be a man, magically grow into my Mr. Big overnight?! To not cock block my own happiness because I’m afraid that maybe I don’t deserve it or won’t know how to handle being, “content”.

To letting go of years of tiresome chasing and unmet expectations,

Yours, but only in real time,

CR